Christophers Blog

I received this from someone and with their permission now post it as I believe it will serve many people. I shall post my reply in a  few days.

Hi Christopher

To start at the beginning and this is a very dusty box. At the age of around 3 my grandparents used to come over for Sunday lunches and afterwards a lie down was indicated with Gramps. From cuddling this progressed to touching and then fondling and his release. How insidious when the message is supposedly “love’. This went on for a period of 9 years, It was ‘our secret’ for which I was compensated with comics, sweets, and so much extra attention from this ‘loving’ relative.  Our close relationship was often commented on as being so special..One of my earliest memories came back to me of having my hands soiled by this man’s passion and that is why to this day I hate getting my hands dirty, even through handling food or the soil. A dramatic and not pleasant recollection. This went on until I started maturing and he desired more so I promptly manifested acute appendicitis on the anticipated due date of consummation. After that it was a cat and mouse game with just a little being offered for the payments received. Of course being violated of innocence made me a very aware little girl and 2 or 3 other male sods along the way picked up on this and also tried their input in various ways. The very sad thing is that I did not really think it was wrong at all and as long as I was  getting what I wanted out of it so what, the whore principal. One day, a Sunday, the family were all having lunch and my dad was carving the chicken, I said loudly and clearly that I was not going to lie down after lunch as I did not want Gramps to touch me any more!! Well, I do remember seeing the chicken fly through the air with huge force and after that it is a blank save a lot of loud yelling. I was sent to my room.
My mother came in later and told me I was a liar and a trouble maker and her father would never do anything like that. I was ungrateful and did not deserve all the nice things he did and gave me.
Shortly after that my grandparents left Johannesburg and moved to a farm.

For some weird reason my parents planned to move here too and I was put into boarding school. I then proceeded to put on 15 kg in 1 term as I would then be fat and thus unattractive to the male sex. As my folks were still in Johannesburg I had to go to the farm for the first holiday. There was no running water and I was washing my hair in a tin bath with a pot ladling the water over myself when he came up behind me and pressed himself against me and said he could do what he liked now, as no one would believe me anyway. And he liked my new curves. I rounded on him as if I was a banshee, screamed my head off and told him if he ever touched me again I would kill him! There was no doubt in my mind or his that I was deadly serious. This was the end of the line. I refused to ever go there again. I did not attend his funeral.
As he had always said to me, I would look after him, see to his perverse wishes if I loved him I vowed that day to look after his three women, my gran, aunt and mother, as a defiant mandate of care, but I would see him in hell.

What followed were very unhappy teenage year’s , a  period of doubt, overweight, drinking, promiscuity, and always the feeling of having to keep separate in case anyone found out what a whore I was. I had many boyfriends none of whom actually meant anything, as I never allowed total closeness other than physical.

When I was 21 I met a man whom I married and the rest is History.

Well that’s my sad little saga, finally out in print, after two vomits and one cup of tea. I remember you telling the one lass that was on Chalice when I assisted that she had let 3 minutes, not even, of a rape by a cousin affect her whole life. Well guess what? I have done the same, but I really now want to move forward without these memories lurking like dark shadows to ambush me every now and then.

Talk to me.

Posted on May 29th, 2009 by christopher
Filed under: Uncategorized