Christophers Blog

Below is a letter I recently received from someone who has done my personal development work. I feel it outlines a very common issue that confronts all of us – both male and female – in our relationships and that is the matter of Trust and the matter of what we call the Truth. My reply to her is interleaved. I feel that what is written could serve a great number of people out there who are wrestling with their relationships. Feel free to comment!

Hi Christopher

How is Cape Town treating you and your family? I love the photo of your teacher on the latest newsletter!

It is rather nice! He is quite gorgeous.

I would have loved to now be sitting in front of you to discuss my life as it is now. You have been on my mind lately. I accept that we will not necessarily have it easier because of our awareness, but I find that the lows are much lower and the highs are wonderfully happy times.

Easy? I am not sure that I know the meaning of that word. Life is surely richer.

The summary of the love in my life:

I met THE MAN last year on a blind date. We immediately struck a chord with each other. He is in his forties, has never been married before and started talking love, marriage etc. before these entered my mind. My own experience so far caused me to be very careful and I guarded my heart carefully. I had a serious conversation with him relatively early in the relationship re my divorce reasons, religion and babies (one day). I wanted to prevent heartache to both if these were not agreeable issues or non-negotiable no’s in his life. He was quite prepared to accept these conditions and agree to some.

We moved in together earlier this year. Like any couple and any relationship, we’ve had our ups & downs, fights, etc. I don’t think he knows what to do with conflict or how to deal with it or see the positive aspect of conflict. He has mentioned that he realize he would need to do Harlequin & Chalice, and I do send him the dates.

Christopher, for the first time in my life, I am:

· Having wonderful sex (thanks to the 360 degree change in my opinion, perception, importance of sex in Chalice)

· Praying about a relationship

· Praying for my partner

· Respecting my partner

Now comes the crunch…….

The other day I had to check something on his PC and found some emails that were more than little suggestive addressed to another woman. I later found out that she’s recently divorced, just moved and in her 30’s. I pondered about these until the evening when we were in bed. He had known that something had been wrong the whole day and he then questioned me again. I confronted him with what I had found. He sees it as innocently flirting (he does have a very sexual sense of humour and can turn anything around to that in a very funny manner at a moment’s notice) and told me to not worry about it. Typically me – it is still eating at me and I feel very vulnerable. Why am I not the only one, why does somebody else awaken this (and I DO know that men have fantasies and am OK with that) and why does he ask these questions and were even prepared to answer some of hers? A physical relationship is sacred for me and should be between two people. I said to him that if he wants her, I’ll give him to her. A few days later, he started showing his anger at the invasion of privacy. I know that men hate it when women cannot switch off about an issue in their life and when they mull over things. We had another long discussion & difference of opinion about it recently. I know that he doesn’t open his heart to me – told me that when he did that before, people trampled on it. (Join the club…..but we all have to trust again.)

A man who is 42 and never been married is, by definition, scared to death of any real commitment and there could be a dozen reasons for that. So far you and he are on very different pages and while I do not for one second doubt the sincerity of the words he says to you he has, based on his past experience, whatever that might be, no reason whatsoever to trust you. From his experience of women – and I am making some assumptions based on his inability to commit – why should he? From his point of view it is quite reasonable for him to keep the back door open as it were. This will be buried deep in his unconscious and he is quite right, from his point of view, when he says you are making a mountain of a molehill. I doubt very much that he has any conscious desire to hurt you or cause you pain. Right now it is your attitude that is causing you pain. He is just doing what he is doing. As you accurately say he does not open his heart to you. In his experience women cannot be trusted with that part of him and so far you are not proving that you are any different as you go barging in on a part of his life that he regards as private.

You are seeing him as untrustworthy. Be careful of that and look at the three fingers pointing back at you! You do not trust yourself enough to believe that you can hold on to this man. You are demanding that he do it your way and then it will be OK! Quite reasonable but it is not going to work with this man AS HE IS. Until he does some work you are going to have to do most of the work. Not because he is stupid or in any way ugly – he simply does not know how. At this point you are demanding from him something that is simply beyond his ability to give you. I do not doubt for one minute his sincerity when he agrees to your “conditions” – and he keeps the back door open.

Am I overreacting? Why am I confused? I am awesome and I don’t deserve second best treatment. I love him – passionately so!

Are you overreacting? Dunno and one thing is certain if you continue to react in this way YOU will chase him away and then he will – AGAIN - be able to say “See? Women – you just cannot trust them. Before you know where you are they are checking upon you and accusing you of all sorts of shit!!” Unreasonable? Not from his point of view. His ability to turn anything sexual around and make fun of it, at a moments notice, is a very revealing defense mechanism. Not in any way bad, just revealing.

Work with this. You are NOT getting second best. In my opinion you are getting the very best he can give you AT THIS TIME. You have to decide if that is good enough for you.

Could he work at changing all that stuff. He is going to HAVE to if he ever wants a satisfactory relationship. Point is how far are you willing to go to support him? The old Harlequin question “Is this worth the trouble?” You want him to trust you? Great. However you literally know more than him, because of the work you have done, so it going to have to start with you.

For it me it is not negotiable, if he really wants this relationship, that he also does some work - Harlequin starts next week!!. If he simply won’t then you are probably wasting your time – unless , of course, you are prepared to put up with his behavior. This will be hard work. Can you do it? Of course – but do you want to?

I would please like to know your view on this…

Great to hear from you and please regard this as the beginning not the end, of the conversation.

Christopher

Posted on August 18th, 2008 by christopher
Filed under: Uncategorized